Dexter the Cat is either Gay or a R. Kelly fan

On Monday night, after scrambling around collecting the garbage, recycling and compost waste, we were getting ready for bed and I noticed that Dexter the cat didn’t come running for a night treat when I let the dog outside for a final bathroom break.  Not thinking a lot of it I went back upstairs and went to bed.  While lying in bed I asked Barbie if she had seen the cat lately.

“No actually.  He didn’t come running when I put out his dinner either but I’m sure he has eaten it.”

We laid there for a little while and I decided that no this was too weird and I was going to find the cat.  I looked behind our bed – nothing.  So I went to my teenage son’s room and checked his closet and under his bed – nothing.  I went into the baby’s room, which you can follow those adventures at http://barbiesadventuresinmommyland.wordpress.com, and checked under the crib and in the closet – nothing.  So I went downstairs to the kitchen and grabbed the bag of Temptations Cat Treats and started walking around the main floor shaking it while looking behind couches and entertainment centres all to no avail.  My last check was the basement.  Down I went, shaking the treat bag the whole time, and checked behind the washer, dryer, in among the boxes, behind mattresses that are stored there and could no find a single clue.

I went back up to the kitchen to put the treat bag back and noticed that the cat’s food had not been touched.  Resigning myself to the fact that Dexter, who is agoraphobic, may have mustered up the spine to actually go outside for a sniff while the dog was doing her thing and was locked out there because nobody noticed him sneak outside because it is so against his normal behaviour.  I made my way back to the bedroom to get changed so I could walk around and look outside and broke the news to Barbie that the cat’s food was untouched and I’m going to look outside.  As I was making my way back to the stair case I realized the one place I didn’t look was in the linen closet.

I had often seen Dexter, and shooed him out there, climbing in the closet to snuggle amid the towels and blankets.  I opened the door up and sitting two shelves up from the floor, laying on top of some towels was Dexter and he started letting out sympathetic “meows”.  I took him out of there and downstairs to eat.  He was pretty noisy that night as if he was giving both of us crap for his ordeal.  So the questions lies “Did the cat come out of the closet?  Or was he Trapped in the Closet?”

 

Charles Darwin would be proud…we’ve finished evolving!!!

All the latest stories, as written by Barbie herself, can be found at the following WordPress page:

 

http://barbiesadventuresinmommyland.wordpress.com/

 

I will still occasionally put up the odd story here and there but to read about Barbie’s incidents as a new mommy you’ll have to go to the new page.

 

Barbie Fails is Evolving

Like all things in life there needs to be an evolution and change.  Barbie, who most of you know became a mom in April, has opened her own blog up about her adventures as a new mommy.

http://barbiesadventuresinmommyland.wordpress.com/

 

Things are just being set up right now but expect to be reading the adventures straight from ‘the mommy’s mouth’ soon.

Barbie and Urban Poling

Today I was reading the latest commmunity activity guide that came to the house. I was reading out the extreme lack of programs available for anyone over 18.
“Listen to the vast amount of activities we can sign up for”, I said sarcastically.   ” We have spin classes, yoga, pilates, power half-hour and urban poling.”
“OMG,  you know what that is right?” asked Barbie. “That’s that pole dancing aerobic thingie”
“Um, no. It’s some new thing where you walk around with large poles like you are cross country skiing almost.”
I then showed her a picture of it from the guide.
“You’re going to blog this aren’t you?” Barbie asked hoping I’d refuse the bait. However, I just smiled and nodded.
“Oh yeah, this is getting published”

Barbie Is Still Musically Challenged

I have to be honest considering I haven’t heard of most bands after 1992, it is a little rich for me to call Barbie musically challenged but what the heck…she is!!!  As the regular readers might remember when Barbie confused Abba with Blondie and Outkast with Kanaan, click here, we had another classic music confusion last week.

Young Alexander tends to sneer his lip very akin to Billy Idol at times.  So during one of these moments I mentioned how he looks very much like Billy Idol and Barbie laughed and agreed.  So while I slaughtered the words to Rebel Yell with my angelic singing, or catlike screeching, Barbie had little Alexander’s arm pumping like Billy Idol’s does in the video.

When I finished singing the course of “More, More, More”, and in all honestly stopped singing all together due to not knowing the words after that, Barbie chimed in with her own song.

“School’s out for summer…”

I cocked my head sideways rather confused and queried “Alice Cooper?!?!?!?”

“Um, I thought that was Billy Idol”

“No, that’s Alice Cooper.  Maybe you meant ‘Its a nice day for a white wedding’ or ‘Here she comes now singing mony, mony’?

“Uh, yeah that is what I meant”

However, I could tell by the look in her eye she was really singing “Hey Ya” by Outkast

  

What’s My Name?

A few days after Barbie had given birth she was out at the local Wal-mart with her mom.  While shopping an older lady approached her to fawn over the baby.  While cooing over the child the lady posed the question –

“How cute.  What did you name him?”

Normally this would be a simple question that the majority of people could answer really quickly.  Unfortunately for Barbie, she had literally come out of the hospital the day previously and was working on about 8 hours sleep over the last 3 days.  So naturally her response was a little slow.

“Um…his name is…um…mom?”

“His name is Alex”, came in mom with the tag and rescue.

“I Should Have Gotten A Puppy”

I have to deeply apologize for not updating this blog since April 16th however we have had a whirlwind month and a bit.  On April 22nd Barbie and I had a baby boy named Alexander who weighed 6lb 13oz.  Since then we’ve had a few Barbie-esque moments, and as anyone who has had children before can attest, time has not really been much of a freedom when you have someone looking to eat every 2 to 3 hours and needing diaper changes every 2 hours as well.

So we’ll start at the beginning – the day of delivery.  Barbie checked for inducement at 8.00am on the 22nd at the local hospital.  By 8.30am everything was set in motion.  By 1pm I had arrived at the hospital from work to take part in the ‘miracle of birth’.  Things were moving along rather slowly and discussions had started about using pitocin, epidurals and manually breaking Barbie’s water.  So we waited, and waited, and waited for nature to take it’s proper course.

By 4pm the OB/GYN came into the room and decided that he didn’t want to wait any longer.  He took a seat like he was playing Texas Hold’em and before I knew it a sound akin to the River Nile was in the room.  So the water was broke and things finally were set in motion…so I thought.

By 7pm not a single thing happened.  So step number two occurred.  One of the nurses came in and hooked up am pitocin IV drip to speed things up.  Actually it turns out to have been oxytocin, which should not be confused with oxycontin as any lady who has been in labour can attest to.

By 8pm the anesthesiologist came in to insert the epidural drip.  Realistically the whole procedure should have taken 15 to 20 minutes.  Instead we had 3 attempts, 3 different holes and a pregnant Barbie who was very sore, very agitated and not a happy camper with the fact that 45 minutes later this guy still couldn’t get the epidural to take.  Eventually Barbie, who had been sitting up and leaning at a 30 degree angle against me, told him “I’ve had enough, you need to stop.”  Defeated the anesthesiologist did the walk of shame out of the room.  Barbie muttered painfully at this moment “I should have gotten a puppy instead”.

The sitting up had actually done more for Barbie than any of the previous attempts as she opened up from 4cm, as of 8pm, to a whopping 9.5cm by 8.45pm.  At about 9.15 one of the assistant nurses came in and asked Barbie to give a little push to see where the baby’s head was in terms of coming out.  So Barbie pushed as requested and the nurse went “Whoa, you need to stop.  That was a great push and this kid’s ready to come out.”  She grabbed the first nurse walking past and told her get the O.B. down here now.

By 9.21 the doctor arrived and and things went like wildfire.  To start with the bed transformed from being a bed to being a bed with stirrups.  It was the wildest thing.  The bottom third, where the legs would be obviously, slid out and collapsed.  Then these two legs popped up with stirrups on them.  The doctor then slide his chair in and took a position like Johnny Bench playing catcher for the Cincinnati Reds.  Barbie started pushing and pushing.  After about 20 minutes of pushing the head started to crown out.

At the moment the head was coming out the doctor, for reasons only known to him, decided he was working fo Ipsos Reid and took a poll.  Looking around the room, starting with me, he asked everyone what they thought the baby was a boy or a girl.  I said a boy, Barbie’s mom said a girl, Barbie’s cousin said a girl would be nice but a boy and finally Barbie, when asked, what she would like, answered simply

“I just want it out.”

Five minutes later the new born baby boy was out and Barbie wasn’t so focused on having a new puppy instead.

Barbie’s Medical Problems with Preggers

This pregnancy has most certainly been a trying one.  Trying for poor Barbie because it’s given her more reasons to look up medical maladies and trying for me because I get to bear the brunt of these, as Barbie so eloquently puts it, ” her irrational thoughts of the week “.
Barbie had been suffering some tightness and cramping due to a combination of Braxton-Hicks contractions and the growing of all things uteral. So when explaining this problem to her OB, the doctor told her to use a heating pad to ease up the tightening of muscles and create some comfort.  So out came the heating pad.  For weeks Barbie would place the heating pad on her stomach when problems were starting. The funniest of all this was that Dexter, the cat, would fight her for the heating pad.  Everytime she’d get up you would see the cat sneak over and stretch himself across the heating pad to enjoy a nice warm psuedo-bed.
About 9 or 10 weeks of this went by before Barbie stumbled across an article on the great and glorious internet.  It turns out that the heating pad should have never been on her stomach at all but on her back.  As she was reading this article the only thing missing was the voice over from Cape Canaveral.
“T-minus 10 seconds to Barbie meltdown”
Sure enough the meltdown began within seconds of her finishing this lovely piece of web-based news.
“I think I’ve melted the baby”, she blurted.
“Oh yeah,” I responded.  “And why’s that?”
“I was supposed to have the heating pad on my back not my stomach.”
Like a fish I took the bait.  “Go on…”, I said.
“Nobody told me it had to be my back.  My stomach was the part tightening up, not my back.  Nobody said anything so I’ve been heating my stomach.  And now I think I’ve boiled the baby.”
At this point in the conversation I went to grab a cold beer out of the fridge. (Thank you Budweiser, you’ve been a pal these last 8 months)
“You’ve not boiled the baby”, I told her. “The baby is fine.”
“No, I think I might have boiled the baby.  Or maybe cooked it’s little organs.  What if I made it retarded?” (I know it isn’t PC but oh well)
“Call the doctor, tell her what you think you’ve done and I bet I’m right.”

So the next morning Barbie gets in touch with the doctor and spills her guts out.  She mentions the cooking of babies, the not knowing about placing the heating pad on her back not her stomach and how distraught she was.  The doctor said not to worry the baby is fine.  It is very well protected in there and she would have done more harm to herself before doing any harm to the baby. At least the doctor didn’t snicker at her like she did with the brain-eating amoeba.

Barbie and the Brain Eating Amoeba

Hello everyone.  It has been a very long time since I’ve put any story up and it most certainly isn’t because we haven’t had Barbie moments but more because in the pursuit of obtaining certification as a Project Manager I was taking two different night school courses, which are over (thank God).

So a few weeks back, probably around 8 weeks ago to be honest, I got an email from Barbie at my work because she was somewhat flustered.  It seems that Barbie had ingested a brain eating amoeba…or so she thought.

Barbie, at the time, was suffering somewhat of a nasal condition and was using Hydrasense to flush out her sinuses to reduce infection.  Enter the moment when Rod Serling does his Twlight Zone voice over and the familiar musically twang hits…yes we’ve hit “The Barbie Zone“.

It seems that Barbie had run out of Hydrasense, not surprising if you remember the Bukkake story,  and decided on doing a homemade Neti Pot.  So Barbie boiled some water, let it cool off and made a nasal rinse using some sea salt.  After creating this concoction she performed her Charlie Sheen impersonation and performed a nasal rinse from it.  So far so good.  It was after this that all plans went to pot.

Barbie, with her ever vigilante internet medical searches, found this article which describe a brain eating amoeba found in tap water.  Of course having read this article Barbie was convinced she had contracted it.  However, after reading this article (which she read as well) remember the following:

• the deaths were in Louisiana
• less than 10 reported cases occur per year (in the US)
• the highest number of reported incidents were 8 in 1980
• the amoeba is a warm water friendly amoeba with very rare cases reported north of the Mason-Dixie Line

To make a long story short I received a rather panicked email from Barbie concerned because she had found out this information but, of course, after the nasal rinsing had taken place.  No matter what was said I couldn’t settle Barbie down from the fact that she may have ‘snorted’ a brain eating amoeba.  In fact it might have been easier to give a logical explanation as to how all the grass is freshly cut in “TheWalking Dead“ than have Barbie believe that she wasn’t in harm’s way from this homemade nasal rinse.  So the count down began since the amoeba would kill a person in 7 days.  Barbie went as far as emailing the town to find out the chlorination levels of water treatment because certain levels would kill the amoeba.  She also asked her OBGYN about it and that didn’t go so well (only because the good doctor laughed at her).

So the longest week of my life then began.  With each passing day I would hear about the countdown – “I might die in 6 days”.  Of course I never believed it but someone did (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).  So day after day went by and numbers slowly dropped with an anticipation I can only expect was matched by the original moon landing.

To say the least, nothing happened to Barbie.  We are now working on about day 60+ after the nasal rinse but I will testify how bent out of shape Barbie was.

 

New Domain Folks

Happy New Year everyone.

Barbie Fails has moved to a new domain www.barbiefails.com.  I am still working out the set up and trying to add the features for email subscription.

Until that time feel free to join the Facebook page www.facebook.com/barbiefails to get updates of new stories until then.