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Barbie stars in “Attack of the Killer Cheeseburger”

On Friday night Barbie’s brother called up to let her know he was popping over but was hitting McDonald’s first and asked her if she wanted anything to eat.  Barbie told him no she was fine since she had a cheeseburger for lunch.  So Todd, who previously appeared in the Gyneology post, came by with a cheeseburger anyway.

“I told you I didn’t want a cheeseburger.  I already had one at lunch”, Barbie told Todd when he walked in.

“Yeah and previously you always gave me crap when I would come by and not have one for you.  So here, take it.”

Barbie didn’t want the burger at the time so she placed it in the fridge for future consumption.

The next day she decided she would warm it up for lunch.  Taking the burger from the fridge she placed it in the microwave and set the timer on it for 90 seconds.  The reasoning for this was Barbie wanted to make sure it was thoroughly cooked through, even though the burger was already cooked just the night before.  Her concern is that she would get food poisoning if it wasn’t cooked right through.  Let’s remember, as per Barbie Has a Meltdown, she is a bit of a hypochondriac.

So 90 seconds later and a burger heated to the point of setting of a Geiger counter sees Barbie sit down for lunch.  By the third bite, which would get you to the middle of the burger, Barbie found herself in a bit of a hot pickle.  Well, more accurately the pickle that was on the burger came lose, slapped Barbie in the mouth and the overheated cheese gave Barbie a great burn across her bottom lip.  With some yelping from the scalding received Barbie took off to get some salve on her lips to mitigate the damage.  The lesson learnt is eat your burger when its fresh boys and girls.

geiger counter mcdonalds cheeseburger microwave


Barbie Has A Meltdown – Chernobyl style

Yesterday was a very eventful day here in Barbie World.  It started with the morning medicating of her dog Chelsea, who is a Shetland Collie.  On Tuesday it was confirmed that Chelsea had a doggie version of an ACL tear in her right hind leg.  So on Thursday Chelsea went into surgery for the repairs to be done which is actually called ‘Tightrope CCL Surgery’.  One of the three medications sent home was Rimadryl, which is a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug used as a pain-killer for dogs.  The bigger problem with Rimadryl is the fact that it is somewhat toxic to cats and Barbie, of course, owns a cat.

So on Friday morning while feeding the dog her Rimadryl, which she was supposed to take a full pill and half of another pill, by mixing the medication with some Beneful wet-food for the dog.  However, as anyone who has owned two pets, you can’t feed one without the other.  So Barbie proceeded to feed the cat some of his wet food.  This is where the panic and eventual meltdown started.

So I came down the stairs to make some morning tea and there is Barbie in full panic and almost in tears.  “I think I’ve killed the cat”, where the words I was met with.  Of course when I looked over her shoulder there is Dexter, the cat, sitting on his little table eating and as content as anything.

“Um, no you didn’t.  He’s sitting right there as happy as Larry”, I said to her.

“No, I’ve killed him.”

“How in the heck did you kill the cat this time?”, I asked.  Note I said this time.  We have gone down this path before, including one incident where she thought the cat had been licking at a spot in the floor that Barbie had cleaned with Javex.

“I fed Chelsea and gave her the Rimadryl”, she blubbered out.  “And…”, I stated.

“And I used the same fork for both their meals and I think he might have got some medication too.”

“What do you mean you think he got some?  Isn’t it a pill?”

“Yes but the half pill might have stuck to the fork and now I’ve killed the cat.  I have to call the vet and get his stomach pumped.”

“No we don’t.  The pill didn’t stick to the fork.  And the cat will be fine”

So this went on for a few more minutes with Barbie getting more and more upset to where the tears had started.  About this time Barbie’s brother arrived at the house and the whole conversation above started again.  Only this time more agitated and stressed out on Barbie’s end.  Her brother would eventually ask how do you know that’s toxic to the cat and the answer came “I looked it up on the internet.  And I poisoned him.  And he’s going to get seizures, and his kidney’s will fail and…”

“Oh lord, you need to stay off the internet.  In fact we should take the internet away from you”

At this point Barbie’s mum had called and things just snowballed even more.  When Barbie got on the phone the water works started again as she tried to tell her mum she had killed the cat.  As we sat listening to Barbie tearfully mumble her story all we could hear on the other end was her mum going “What?  Start again.  I can’t understand a word you’ve said”.

So Barbie went through the story at least two more times before she was actually coherent enough to be understood.  Once the story came out Barbie’s brother and I could just hear this loud burst of laughter from the other end of the phone.  Apparently Barbie’s mum also found this as humorous as the rest of us…well except Barbie she wasn’t humoured as all.  When we finally got Barbie settled down she adamantly stated “If my cat dies all of you arseholes are chipping in to buy me a new one”.

The rest of the day was uneventful until bed time when Barbie removed her contacts and then 30 seconds later tried to remove them again and scratched her eye resulting in her having to wear glasses for today.  As a follow-up here are some of Barbie’s internet research follies:

  1. panicked that she poisoned the cat with Rimadryl
  2. thought she had developed Parkinson’s when her hands started shaking (it was a hyper-active thyroid)
  3. thought she had developed lymphoma when she thought her lymph nodes had swollen (it was due to some close shaving in her grooming it turns out)
  4. her dog’s limp was originally a grass seed trapped in her paw and worked its way into her leg (another internet find)
  5. the cat ate a small metal ring, used for making bracelets, and it was going to rip his intestines open
  6. the dog started vomiting, after my mum gave her a sausage, and Barbie was convinced it was a twisted stomach and not just an intolerance to the sausage

So as you can see Barbie is a little bit of a hypochondriac and the internet is at times the worst enemy instead of being a tool of resource.


Engineering Barbie also needs facial recognition programming

Today at lunch I was sitting with two co-workers, one of which was Engineering Barbie and the other was Research Assistant Ken.  While we were eating lunch the following conversation came about:

“Do you know what song is stuck in my head?  That ‘Funky Mother’ song”.  This resulted in somewhat confused looks so Engineering Barbie elaborated.

“You know the one”, and she starts to hum a tune and then lowly sing the following, “…right about now, that funky mother, right about now”

At this point R.A. Ken and I started howling.   “That’s Fatboy Slim”, replied R.A. Ken in between spurts of laughter.  I added to the answer with the proper lyrics by saying, “You mean ‘Right about now, the funk soul brother’ don’t you?”

Immediately I opened up Youtube and found a video for the song.  “Yeah that’s the song.  Now imagine that being stuck in your head for the entire team meeting”, asked Engineering Barbie.

At this point I decided to try to stick another song in her head and said, “Well you could have this one instead.”
I clicked on the link for Snap! singing “I’ve Got The Power“.

Once this video started and the lead rapper, Turbo B, appeared poor Engineering Barbie fell into the ‘Barbie-Zone’ – which is kind of like the Twilight Zone but you see acts of goofiness instead of the weird.

“Oh my god, that’s the guy from Hot Tub something or other.”

At this moment there was a combined jaw drop as we turned to look at her.  R.A. Ken started killing himself laughing.  I, on the other hand, looked at Engineering Barbie and said “Um, no. Completely different dudes”.  Then to make matters a little more humorous, well at least for myself, I added “Not all black folks look-alike.”

Showing just how certain she was, Engineering Barbie started defending her case.  “No, look they have the same eyes”

“What?  Dark brown?  The majority of black people have eyes like that.”

A little frustrated now she pointed out Exhibit B, “Look they have the same nose”

“Yeah, most black people have that nose style.  In fact they even joke about it and call it a black nose.”

Engineering Barbie asked me to open a picture of Craig Robinson, and for the record she called him ‘the dude from the hot tub thingie movie’, so she could prove her case.  So I went to IMDB.com and found a picture of him.   So on one screen I had the music video and on the other screen I had a picture of Craig from the movie and it began.

“Look the nose is the same”, Engineering Barbie exclaimed.

“You mean except for the mole on the left side of the one guy’s nose right?”, I asked not so innocently.

“Oh, um, yeah.  Ok maybe they aren’t the same…or maybe he had it removed!”

“They aren’t the same.  Not all black people look-alike.  And these two dudes are certainly different, much like the other two you tend to confuse”, I added.

“Who else did she confuse?” asked R.A. Ken.

“Hulk Hogan and Mr. T, as they are apparently similar looking too.”

“WHAT?!?!?!?”, exclaimed R.A. Ken right before he turned beet red from laughing so hard.

Engineering Barbie chirped her two cents in with, “Well they are both really big muscular guys.”

“Yeah except Mr. T is like 5’4″ and black while Hogan, although tanned, is 6’7″ and white”, I mentioned.

“Whatever, the one looks like he should be called Mr. T anyways.  I’m going back to work”

And with that dear Engineering Barbie stomped off to her work station.


Chef Boy-ar-Barbie

One night Barbie and her brother were hanging out and Barbie offered to cook dinner.  She had recently come into possession of a recipe for macaroni and cheese from a friend.  Now, for those unaware, Barbie isn’t exactly what you would call kitchen savvy.  Utilizing her Blackberry email, Barbie was going to cook up a storm.  Going step by step she went through the recipe and made a really good batch of macaroni and cheese for herself and her brother.

Feeling quite content with her accomplishment she took out the bowls to serve her this successful concoction she cooked up.  She scooped the mac-n-cheese into the bowls and proceeded to carry them into the dining area.  As she was putting the bowls down the unforeseeable happened.  Do you think she managed to keep the food in the bowls and not dump it on the floor?  Well, surprisingly, she did.  Do you think she whacked the table, as in the past, and spilt some of the drinks that were on the table?  That didn’t happen either.  No, as our dear friend Barbie was putting the bowls on the table the Blackberry, which she was using to read the recipe, fell out from under her armpit and dropped into one of the bowls.

So there they both stood staring at the bowls with one having a Blackberry stuck in the mac-n-cheese and standing straight up.  Being a work issued Blackberry poor Barbie had a bit of a meltdown.  Her brother, being somewhat technically adept, told her to go grab some rubbing alcohol and Q-tips.  He proceeded to work his magic and get the cheese out of the keys of the Blackberry thus bringing it to a perfect working state.



Barbie’s brother learns about geneology

The other day we were out at Pizza Hut getting dinner and Barbie’s brother was with us.  In honour of the actual Barbie doll’s family we’ll call him Todd since this was the name given to the figure who was made as Barbie’s younger brother from 1965-71 (thanks to Google and Wikipedia for that).

So for those you who don’t know Todd, he’s a bit of a smartarse and likes to make one-line comments to get a reaction from people – a heatseeker if you will.  So as we are sitting at the table with our food Todd makes the remark to Barbie, and one that cuts all women to the bone, of:
“Take it easy on the food before your ass gets too big to fit through the door”

Now, having been the witness to many of these comments and verbal jarring between the two siblings, my immediate thought was that Barbie was going to reach across the table smack her brother and call him one of many names ranging from ‘jerk’ to ‘asshole’.  But that is not what happened.  Instead Barbie’s retort was:
“Well I’m eating for two now”

Well Todd’s jaw dropped quicker than when Phil ‘The Drill’ Williams recorded the fastest knockout in boxing history over Brandon Burke.  And for the first time ever Todd was caught speechless.  After about 30 seconds of the awkward silence from her brother Barbie confessed that she’s not pregnant and we carried on with the meal.

Fast forward 24 hours to the next day and Todd comes by Barbie’s house to hang out and drink some beers.  Instantly the ribbing starts when he begins bugging Barbie about the ‘pregnancy gag’ by telling her:
“Well, I think you need to cut back on the junk food and eat healthier for little Todd Jr”

I stood there looking at him like I had misheard what was said.  Slowly I added
“You do realise the for the baby, if there was one, to be Todd Jr means that you, Todd, would have to be the father then?”

Tood stood there looking like a deer in headlights as you could see the gears in his head working triple speed and trying to remember his Grade 10 biology lesson about Gregor Mendel and the peas.
“Oh.  Yeah that would be weird and completely trailer park.  Do you think you can at least put Todd in his name then?”

So I think for Christmas I might have to buy Todd the following book:

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