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Christmas with Barbie

This Christmas season had some great moments with Barbie.

When talking to Barbie about what she’d like for Christmas I got this answer:

“I’d really like to have a diamond stud fill in my back hole”

Apparently she meant diamond earrings to put in the second hole she has in her ears.  Good thing I didn’t take that one the wrong way.

 

While sitting at her mom’s on Christmas Eve and watching a newscast from the CTV channel coming out of Vancouver, British Columbia there was another great moment.  The newscaster was talking about a housing style popular in Vancouver called “The Vancouver Special”.  During the newscast the reporter stated that we were going to see a report from 1984 in regards to people complaining about the ugliness of the houses.  While this replay was happening Barbie, who obviously wasn’t paying attention, made this observation:

“What the hell is with those glasses?  Don’t people learn from the fashion mistakes of the past?  I mean geez those didn’t look good in the 80’s and are even worse now”
“Um, probably because this is a replay of a report from 1984”, replied Barbie’s brother

That ended that moment.

diamond earrings vancouver special

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Barbie has a Cat Burglar

So the other day Barbie was separating her Christmas gifts into the piles of whom they would be going to.  Basically she had piles for the various family members as well as for the pets.  Barbie had taken one of those piles down to the living room, which she had staged as the wrapping station.  Suddenly she hears this thud upstairs which was followed by a set of little thuds.  As she “arose to hear such a clatter”, after all we need some Christmas theme here, Barbie noticed that her cat Dexter had dug out the toy hedgehog that was to be his Christmas gift.  The hedgehog was still attached to its cardboard packaging and he was tossing it down the stairs and chasing it.  So, as the saying goes, curiosity killed the cat or in this case killed his surprise Christmas gift.  So the lesson learnt is not only do people need to hide their gifts from their children but also from their dogs and cats it seems.

christmas gifts cat burglar hedgehog

What?!? It’s a wreathe?

This is a bit of an old story but worth sharing.  The other day Barbie and I were sitting around on the GO train when the announcement for the next station came over the speakers.  The voice rang a bell with Barbie and triggered a bit of a flashback to another train ride just before Christmas.

We were riding on one of the late trains home just before Christmas and we over heard a conversation between four other riders.

“Hey, do you guys know where I could buy a reef?”, asked a male rider who was about 40ish and will be Rider #1 from here out.

Rider #2, who was a female about 50ish, answered him “Um, in almost any store.  Home Depot, Canadian Tire, Walmart.  Just pick one”

“Really?  Home Depot?”, asked Rider #1.

“Yeah you can get them in Home Depot”, replied Rider #3 – another male in his 40’s.

“Wow.  I was in Home Depot and they told me they didn’t sell them.  I walked up to one of the kids and asked him where they keep the reefs”, mentioned Rider #1.

“Wait a minute”, chipped in Rider #4 (another female but in her 40’s), “did you say reef or wreathe?”

“Reef.  Why?”, asked Rider #1

A few chuckles started among Rider #1’s fellow riders at this point.

“It’s a wreathe.  A reef is marijuana”, Rider #4 informs Rider #1 .

“What?  Really?  Man no wonder the kids wouldn’t show me.  I’m in asking for marijuana instead of a Christmas decoration?”, states Rider #1.  “Oh geez, I can’t go back to that Home Depot anymore.  Those kids will think I’m a drug officer and man, this explains why those kids were snickering too”

We were busting a gut all the way home from the train station laughing at how someone in their 40’s didn’t know the difference between a reef and a wreathe however.

   

 

Barbie and her latest Freudian Slip

While sitting around wrapping Christmas gifts this evening Barbie and I had the old Christmas classic by Rankin and Bass Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.  As we were going through the gifts she held up a drinking glass emblazoned with pictures of Justin Bieber.  Just to be clear she bought this cup for her 6-year-old cousin.

“I can’t wait to give this to my little cousin”, Barbie exclaimed.  “She’ll be so excited to be drinking a cup of Beaver…f*ck, I mean Bieber.”

After about ten seconds of letting it sink in, mixed with my laughter, Barbie muttered “Why does this always happen to me?”

 

I can only assume it happens for the amusement of us all.

  

Baking Disaster Turned Good

About 7 or 8 years ago, our dear Barbie had a near baking disaster.  During her first years at her job there was a baking event and she had agreed to take part.  At the time she was still living with her dad and therefore shared the house with a few folks and having the left hand didn’t always know what the right hand was doing.

So Barbie turned the oven on to pre-heat it for cookies and muffins that she was going to make for the bake sale.  Well, it seems that during the baby shower that was hosted at the house the week previous had some left over items.  It turns out that in the oven, due to a lack of cupboard space, Barbie’s step-mom had placed a package of styrofoam cups.  Unbeknownst to Barbie these cups were sitting on a pan in the oven while she was getting her ingredients ready.

A few minutes later Barbie had her prep work done and was ready to bake like Betty Crocker.  She opened the oven door to get ready to place her cookie trays and muffin pans in and what should befall her eyes?  Yes, there were the styrofoam cups had been baked and shrunk – sort of like the head on that guy at the end of Beetlejuice (see photos below).

Fast forward to today.  Barbie’s place of employment had a tree for which they were encouraged to bring decorations to hang on it.  There was going to be a prize for the best ornament on the tree.  This weekend, while assembling our own Christmas tree, Barbie found her shrunken cups.  She decided that she would take her cups into work and hang them on the tree.  Today she was awarded the prize for best decoration.  Who would have known that doing a ‘Barbie’ would come out to be a benefit.

 

Barbie and the Freudian Slip

Last night, as we were watching Netflix, I had made some nice hot chocolate using white chocolate powder and warm milk.  As I was bringing the cups out I noticed that my kid had left the foil wrappers from his Hersey’s Kisses on the carpet.  A little annoyed at the fact he didn’t dispose of his trash, and more annoyed that he had knocked it on the floor from the table, I said to him:

“Hey, if you can’t throw out your garbage then there’ll be no more Hersey Kisses for you!  Got it kiddo?”

“Yes dad”, he agreed in that great voice that pre-teens use.  You know the one that makes you want to give them a high five…to the face!

So we went about drinking our hot chocolate, watching the movie Daddy Day Care on Netflix and eating such healthy treats as Kisses, cakes and Reese’s Peanutbutter Trees (like the cups but tree shaped for Christmas).
When we all finished up our drinks and snacks, I decided I’d clean up the dishes.  As I was getting the cups and heading to the kitchen I noticed that I had left a wrapper for one of the Reese’s trees on the table.  As I had only travelled about 5 steps, I backed up and picked up the wrapper to dispose of in the garbage as I made my way into the kitchen.

At that moment Barbie, thinking she’d be a smart arse, looked at me and said mockingly “If you don’t put your wrappers in the garbage there’ll be no more Reese’s Penis for you”.

Everything stopped, my son and I both turned and looked at Barbie.  The look on her face betrayed the fact that she knew she had made a huge slip up.  “I just did it again, didn’t I?  I said penis instead of pieces”, she said.  Without even answering her we all just started laughing our heads off.

Readers catch the point that she said again…that first story will be coming up in the next few days 😀

    

Holiday Befuddlements Part One

Well Happy Thanksgiving to my Canadian readers.  Being a family holiday I figured I’d share a story of holiday confusion that is well suited to this blog and the stories on it.  Unfortunately, this isn’t a story of our friend Barbie but rather about my 12-year-old son.  These stories took place when he was 10 but are funny none the less.

Story number one takes place at Christmas and as my son was making his way down to the bounty left by Santa.  The entertainment centre was wrapped in Christmas wrapping to hide the new Nintendo Wii that was hooked up to the television by Santa himself.  As the young lad entered into the room I said to him, “Right, start with any gift you want”

He looked around the room with that scanning radar that all young kids have when it comes to gifts and then went straight to his stocking.  I let this go since, by tradition, we had always started with stocking in our house.  Once the stocking was done, and probably some mental maths on when he’d eat what chocolates he got, he began the scan of the room again.

Now, knowing myself as a child, I expected the biggest gift with his name on it to be the one that he made a beeline to and started ripping open like a frenzied shark.  So the biggest gift in the room was quite simply the wrapped up entertainment unit.  However, he went to the tree and pulled one of the smaller packages.  To say I was confused would be an understatement.  So he opens this one and then goes off to the tree again and selects another one.  At this point I’m looking around the room for either a hidden camera in case the show Candid Camera was making a re-appearance or for the sight of Rod Serling in case my house was being used for an episode of Twilight Zone.

By gift number three I looked at my son and with a tone of confusion “Don’t you want to open the big gift right here” and I pointed at the entertainment centre.  With the eyes gazing widely, he made his way to the entertainment centre and ripped open the paper around it.

To set the scene here, there was a Wii wired up to the television and sitting beside it.  On top of the television was the remote controllers.  So here’s what ensued after the paper was shredded off the unit:

“Oh sweet!!!”

I figured Santa had hit the golden egg for gifts for my son that year…and then it was followed with:

“Santa gave me a Wii remote that I can take to Oma’s”

To say I was somewhat confused is an understatement.  How is it that he saw the remote and not the big white block beside the television?

So I mention “Um, what about the thing beside the TV?”

He takes a look and with big eyes exclaims “NICE!!!  Santa got us a Wii and he hooked it up already.  Man, he must really like us”

So to this day I haven’t figured out why my child went for the smaller gifts, or how after opening such a big gift he missed seeing the Wii beside the television and lastly how he thought that only a Wii remote would show up without the Wii but required an entire entertainment unit to be wrapped up.  If I ever sort this out I am asking for my Ph.D is psychology.

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