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Potential Barbie Candidate and Opening Doors

Yesterday I was at the Atrium on Bay in downtown Toronto grabbing some lunch with a co-worker.  As we were standing in line the first of many humorous events occurred.  That being the gentleman who passed by us with his tray of food.  This gentleman was wearing penny loafer style shoes with some of the tightest pants I’ve ever seen a man wear.  To top that off they were capris.  Adding to the attire of this fashion plate was a bright yellow wife-beater style shirt, with an unbuttoned short sleeve Hawaiian shirt over it.  Lastly he had a big wide yellow head band, which looked like a scarf tied around his noggin, and the long dangling ends of this scarf/wrap hanging loose around his 80’s style rocker hair.  He looked like a genetic experiment made from some rock-n-roll version of “The Island of Doctor Moreau” using DNA from Boy George, Mark Knopfler (Dire Straits) and Platinum Blonde.

As we were sitting eating, after getting our food with little incident, I noticed a lady walk up to the doors that exit the food court to Bay Street.  She proceeded to pull on the doors which failed to open.  So she pulled a little harder but with each tug she would put a little forward momentum into the door to get that extra ‘oomph’ out.  Of course with each moment going forward the door would open and then quickly close as she yanked it toward thinking that the doors that push really needed to be pulled.  This exercise in futility occurred about 4 or 5 times before she surrendered to the door and decided it was locked.  Moving on the next door down the line she proceeded to go through the exact same motions again.  With each attempt she was getting more and more violent in her use of force in trying to pull this door open, and with each forward motion made you could see the door opening before being yanked closed by her own hand yet again.  Deciding this door was also locked she moved down to the last door in that line.

In an almost Herculean feat of strength she began pushing and pulling the door.  At one point I thought she might have had a moment of clarity when she realized the door pushed not pulled open but it turns out that it was just me overestimating her grasp on the mechanics of the door.  She yanked and pulled with all the might she could muster in her little 100 pound frame and then let out a cry of frustration and kicked the door.  Standing beside her was mall security, who had been talking to the mall custodian and missed the entire display it seems, and he leaned over and went “Excuse me ma’am, but the doors push”.  He then gave the doors a little shove forward and they opened.  The poor woman, who was flustered and probably more than a little embarrassed, scurried out like a mouse on speed.  I’ve never seen someone move so quick that wasn’t in the Olympics.



Barbie’s brother learns about geneology

The other day we were out at Pizza Hut getting dinner and Barbie’s brother was with us.  In honour of the actual Barbie doll’s family we’ll call him Todd since this was the name given to the figure who was made as Barbie’s younger brother from 1965-71 (thanks to Google and Wikipedia for that).

So for those you who don’t know Todd, he’s a bit of a smartarse and likes to make one-line comments to get a reaction from people – a heatseeker if you will.  So as we are sitting at the table with our food Todd makes the remark to Barbie, and one that cuts all women to the bone, of:
“Take it easy on the food before your ass gets too big to fit through the door”

Now, having been the witness to many of these comments and verbal jarring between the two siblings, my immediate thought was that Barbie was going to reach across the table smack her brother and call him one of many names ranging from ‘jerk’ to ‘asshole’.  But that is not what happened.  Instead Barbie’s retort was:
“Well I’m eating for two now”

Well Todd’s jaw dropped quicker than when Phil ‘The Drill’ Williams recorded the fastest knockout in boxing history over Brandon Burke.  And for the first time ever Todd was caught speechless.  After about 30 seconds of the awkward silence from her brother Barbie confessed that she’s not pregnant and we carried on with the meal.

Fast forward 24 hours to the next day and Todd comes by Barbie’s house to hang out and drink some beers.  Instantly the ribbing starts when he begins bugging Barbie about the ‘pregnancy gag’ by telling her:
“Well, I think you need to cut back on the junk food and eat healthier for little Todd Jr”

I stood there looking at him like I had misheard what was said.  Slowly I added
“You do realise the for the baby, if there was one, to be Todd Jr means that you, Todd, would have to be the father then?”

Tood stood there looking like a deer in headlights as you could see the gears in his head working triple speed and trying to remember his Grade 10 biology lesson about Gregor Mendel and the peas.
“Oh.  Yeah that would be weird and completely trailer park.  Do you think you can at least put Todd in his name then?”

So I think for Christmas I might have to buy Todd the following book:

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